| Had a very disturbing dream last night. Very disturbing. It was one of those dreams you don't forget about, and keep thinking about throughout the day.
It's like, it was just like real life, with everybody I knew. But something was different, wrong. Everybody's lives were different, even though their personalities were pretty much the same.
It was very disturbing. It still is, for some reason. | comments: Leave a comment   |
| For those who actually give a shit, I thought I'd just give a quick rundown of my living situation, to help explain why I need to get out of here.
In the beginning, I had this apartment to myself, and it was good.
Then mum came back from her group house or whatever, and it was not so good anymore. My mother and I simply do not get along. I'm not going into details, so we'll just leave it at that.
I moved out of the apartment, and lived with my grandparents in Apple Valley for a little over a year. It was ok, but being 30 min. away from everyone I knew got tiresome after a while. Eventually, I realized I had to move back to EP, especially when I started classes at the U, Apple Valley just would not work.
Moved back into the apt, mum, as usual, went back and forth between being insufferable, and comotose.
Mum gets a boyfriend, and he starts spending a lot of time here.
Mum's boyfriend now pretty much lives here.
Mum's boyfriend brings in his estranged son, whom he has not seen in like, 15 years, and now HE's living here as well.
Out of the 4 people living here, I am the only one who does anything productive. Mum lies in bed all day, her BF plays online poker all day, and his son, when not going in and out of the hospital due to not taking care of his type 1 diabetes, just lies around and plays video games all day (my video games, I might add).
Because of this, I am essentially confined to my room. I have no sense of privacy at all, there is never a moment alone at the apartment. One of the main reasons I have been eating out so much lately is because I hate cooking for myself while the kitchen is so crowded (and its always crowded).
Why this guy stays with mum is anyone's guess. She continues to be selfish, childish and temperamental. Sometimes I wonder if its because of money, because the guy, to be blunt, is broke. He's racked up huge cellphone bills in my mum's name (which naturally, my grandparents have to pay for) and she buys his family (he's got like, 5 kids with 4 different women) shit as well. Now that I think about it, by living here he pretty much has my grandparents supporting him. Oh lovely.
Anyway, I just need to get out of here. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| Looks like mum is down for the count again. Gotta hand it to her though, this is the longest she's ever gone without crashing. But as I keep telling my grandparents, she always crashes eventually.
le sigh | | comments: Leave a comment |
| | I feel so restless right now. I can't focus on anything. What is going on with me? | | comments: Leave a comment |
| I need to get out of EP. Now.
I feel so cut off from everyone and everything when I'm here. I should be going out and socializing with other people my age, not sitting here in my apartment alone and with nothing to do. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| My my, the pro lifers and the pro choicers continue their endless quarrel without rest, or stopping to think for a bit about the opposing argument.
I am once again disenchanted with the pro-life movement by their constant use of shock tactics and appeal to emotions. Of course, that doesn't negate their point, but I think they would probably do much better if they stopped relying on flawed tactics. They don't realize it, but they are very likely turning more people away from their cause than bringing people into it by using such images.
Personally, I find the whole war between the two sides to be tiring. It baffles me how some people can have such a one-sided view of an issue as complicated as abortion. Now don't get me wrong, I'm not accusing all pro-life/choice people of being simple minded, I'm sure that many believe they are simply embracing the lesser of two evils.
But regardless of your position, stop for a moment and contemplate the other side's argument. After all, you cannot deny that an abortion is destroying life. What value you assign to that life is up to your own philosophy/belief, but life is being destroyed, there is simply no way around it. And you cannot deny that forcing a woman to carry a pregnancy that she does not want to term is putting a tremendous amount of stress on her, robbing her of some of the most basic aspects of life (and I'm not talking about the "my body" thing, that's a whole other argument entirely, and I don't agree with it, but that isn't really relevant to this line of thought). Not to mention that you may be condemning the baby once it's born to living with a mother (and maybe even a father) who did not want the child. It's easy to say "oh, just put it up for adoption", but that carries it's own problems. Now I'm not a woman, so I will never know this for myself, but I imagine that being pregnant, carrying the baby to term, and then simply giving it away would be an unspeakably horrible experience. 9 months is a long time to carry a fetus, and almost every pregnant woman develops a strong sense of attachment to her baby. Then, once she's gone through the incredibly stressful process of giving birth, is now burdened with the choice of living with a baby that she can't take care of, or giving the baby she just spent 9 months creating away.
I know I gave a lot more explanation for the pro-choice argument there, but as you can see its a lot more complicated of an argument than the pro-life one is, though that doesn't make it any more right.
As with any time someone condemns both sides of an argument, the obvious question of "Well then what's the right answer mr. smartass?" arises. Simply put, there is no right answer. In a perfect world, there would be no abortion, and there would be no need for abortion, but there is. This is where my problem with both sides is, they seem to have this view that abortion should always be handled in a certain way, despite the face that almost every case of (unwanted) pregnancy is unique.
As far as I'm concerned, I take how I feel about abortion on a case by case basis. If you say abortion is fine, then you encourage irresponsibility, and I don't like that. Just because a woman didn't use protection for whatever reason sure as hell isn't the fetus' fault. On the flip side, just because a woman didn't use protection is no reason for her life to be forever changed by a child.
There simply is no right answer. Unwanted pregnancy is a horrible thing for both parties involved. I'm sure that if it ever becomes an issue for me personally, I will develop a different outlook on the issue, whatever that outlook may be.
But to all the pro lifers/choicers out there, stop condemning women who took the route that you disagree with. She had to make an incredibly difficult decision, one in which she most likely has some regrets about, and which likely has left a huge scar on her personally. The last thing she needs is being called names, and being told she made the wrong decision. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| Some guy approaches me. The conversation goes as follows, but with the added input of my inner monologue.
Random Person (RP): Hello, can I have a minute of your time?
Me: Yeah sure, what's up.
RP: I'm just talking to students around campus about the glory of our lord Jesus Christ
Inner Monologue: oh lord, here we go.
Me: Ah I see, well no thanks, I'm an Atheist
RP: Oh really?
Me: Yup.
RP: I see. Well in that case can I ask you a question?
Me: (cautious) okay....
RP: Why do you hate God?
Inner monologue: I don't like where this is going
Me: I'm sorry?
RP: you say you're an Atheist, so why is it that you hate God?
Me: You seem to have the wrong idea, I'm an Atheist. I don't hate God anymore than I hate the tooth fairy, santa clause or the flying spaghetti monster. I just don't believe he exists.
RP: I see. But I suppose you believe in Evolution?
Inner monologue: I really don't like where this is going.
What followed was a 10 minute long session of me trying to explain to this guy that
A: Atheists don't "hate" God, since as far as I'm aware you can't hate something that doesn't exist
B: We don't "believe" in evolution anymore than we "believe" in gravity
C: That he had absolutely no freaking idea how evolution works, what it is and what it isn't
Sadly, I don't think I managed to get through to him on any of these points. Hooray for idiotic evangelical Christians. | | comments: 6 comments or Leave a comment |
| Just got back from the State fair. This is the second time I've gone, and this time I brought money so I could actually eat some of the crazy stuff they call food there. I had an alligator sausage (Basically a sausage made of alligator meat, on a stick of course) and about half a dozen cookies from the cookie store (You know, the one where you see fat people eating them by the bucket load). That was all I could stomach, kind of pathetic I know, but I just don't have the apatite that I used to.
The state fair is an interesting place, you see all sorts of people there. Its like everyone in Minnesota just congregates there for a couple days. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| Every time I see a little fat child a part of me dies. It's especially ironic because I used to be one of those little fat children, but now when I see a fat child with a fat parent I just get.....not made exactly, its sort of like a "ugh, there's another one".
If I'm ever fortunate enough to have kids I can guarantee you they won't be fat. Don't get me wrong, I'm not gonna go boot camp on their adorable little asses......(As a male, am I aloud to say that without 18 people screaming "PEDOPHILE!"? Seeing as how I was recently chastised for SPEAKING to a little girl, I'm guessing no.....Actually that reminds me of a story/point, more on that later)
But I can't imagine allowing my kids to sit around watching TV all day while munching on whatever god awful processed foods parents seem to buy their kids these days.
To sum it up in a neat little point, I believe that children being fat is a sign of bad parenting, and I'll have no part of it, mark my words. | | comments: 4 comments or Leave a comment |
| Having just awoken with last night's dream/s still fresh in my mind I feel compelled to talk about this.
Generally speaking I think there are three kinds of dreams, the good, the bad, and the batshit crazy. While we all enjoy the batshit crazy ones every once in a while, my thoughts are more focused on the first two.
Bad dreams are nasty, but I think I've developed a new, seething hatred for my dreams, not because they're bad, but because they're often good.
Allow me to expound, the reason I hate my good dreams is because they basically show a life of desires fulfilled. It may sound simple, but I believe these dreams posses a profound cruelty. Its almost like a taunt "Hey buddy, how ya doin? Betcha wish things were more like this dontcha? You do? Well here you go, yeah that's nice isn't it? NOW WAKE THE FUCK UP.
I'll take the bad dreams over the good ones any day. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| So about a week ago, I finally managed to get the internet up and working at the apartment. I was without internet for about 3 months. While it was mostly just an annoyance, it did end up impacting my school grades (though the one it affected still ended up as a B-, so it could have been worse).
The one thing I find funny about the whole situation is this: While the internet was out, I just got used to it. It got to the point where I barely ever thought about it, it was just a sort of minor annoyance. Now that I actually have internet again, I wonder to myself how I ever managed without it.
Its one of those weird situations where you don't realize what you've been missing out on until you have it back again. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| Ahh, sweet sweet internet. I may be accustomed to living without it, but I still love having it.
My grandparents are out for a few weeks on a cruise, so I jumped at the opportunity to come house-sit for them. Not that I love being out here or anything, but I can barely stand the apartment anymore. My only complaint is that its a 40 minute drive to dave and buster's from here, and in the morning it takes 45 minutes to get to the bus station. Lame. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| My my, another summer almost over. I remember, some time ago I told myself this summer wasn't going to be like the last one.
Well it was exactly like the last one; Uneventful, boring and spent almost entirely in solitude. Only this year was even worse.
No luck on the job searching, which is unfortunate, but not unexpected. I've heard craigslist is a good place to look for jobs, so I might just give that a try. Whatever it takes, I need a job, because living at the apartment has become almost unbearable. I can't even leave my room there anymore. Fortunately, my grandparents are off on a cruise for the next two weeks, and the house is unattended, so I'll be lodging there for a little while. Anything to get away from that apt.
School is so so, neither class has lived up to my expectations, and I have almost zero motivation to actually do well in them. Nonetheless, I expect to be getting a B in both of them, MAYBE an A- in one, but I'd have to get an almost perfect score on the final, and I doubt I have the fire for that right now.
Still no net at the apt, but I've grown accustomed to it. There's really nothing for me to do on the net anymore anyway, so I don't miss it all that much. Although having to come to the library every day just to get school updates is annoying.
Summer may not be over just yet, but I guess to me it feels like its been over for two months now. At the very least I didn't fall into my usual go-to-bed-at-8AM-wake-up-at-4PM routine this year. Probably have school to thank for that.
My my, what a life I live, if it can even be called a life. Well, better than being dead, I guess. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| I'm at the library, getting my daily dose of internet, and I am seeing something somewhat funny. a guy, probably in his 40's or 50's, reading Harry Potter.
For those curious, its The Order of the Pheonix. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| Few things in life frighten me. I've seen a helluva lot more than your average suburban white boy.
But what I find to be one of the most terrifying things in life, is when things go wrong with your body. Especially when you have no idea what might be causing the problem. Being sick is one thing, but this is horrifying beyond all measure. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| I hate group school projects. Hate them. Why do I hate them? One simple reason: Every single time, I am the only one who does any work. I am the only one who does any thinking. The other members just sit around waiting for me to tell them what to do, and I can't stand it. Just ONCE I'd like to be in a group where other people contribute, rather than just sitting around because "Hey, that guy's smart, I'll just let him handle it".
Bah | | comments: Leave a comment |
| So I'm quitting smoking. No really. Ok, I'll give you a few minutes to laugh.
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Ok time's up. I don't really know what made me realize I want to quit. At some point today, while Matt and I were scouting out apartments (oh yeah, we're plainning on moving in together sometime soon) I was smoking, and realized I just didn't enjoy it that much anymore. I think I've known this for a while, but I just never realized it until today.
Well, I've set the date as this sunday. No reason for the date, but I want to at least be prepared before I give this a go. I'm not anxious about it as I usually am, I think its been long overdue. | | comments: 1 comment or Leave a comment |
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nufapopolopugus's journal